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Rewrites suck. Rewrite of Prolouge and Chapter 1

Posted by Korcia Pramocia , 02 December 2012 · 185 views

So, I hated the way I wrote the prolouge and first chapter (and the other chapters for that matter) so I'm going to rewrite them. I've already rewritten the prolouge and first chapter, so here they are.


Prologue: Up to No Good


Alright, is everyone who needs to be here, here?” Zeus said. “Good, can everyone please settle down?” No one was paying attention to him. “Could everyone quiet down please? I said quiet down.” David sighed and got up from his chair behind Zeus. He grabbed the microphone and shouted, “Would you all kindly shut the hell up!?” Everyone quieted down.

Thanks David,” Zeus said as he grabbed the mic back. “Now, at 11:30 last night the Palace of the-” People began to chatter again, and David grabbed the microphone from Zeus. He shouted, “SHUT! UP!” then gave the mic back to Zeus and sat down. Everyone immediately fell silent.

Christ,” Zeus sighed out. “As I was saying; the Palace of the Gods was attacked last night at 11:30. Casualties were minimal in number, major in who was lost.” Everyone tensed as they guessed what had happened. Zeus looked down at the podium he was standing at and said, “I am saddened to report that Mecho, the Goddess of Wind, was killed in action.” Java leaned onto David's shoulder.

How did she-” someone began. “How did she die?” Zeus looked up to her. An admin wearing very elaborate armor had her hand raised. The hand parted her long black hair. “She was...stabbed...a number of times I'm not comfortable admitting,” he answered. “Now, the reason you were all called here was because we are changing certain patrol routes and we have a few, happier, anecdotes.

Firstly, Maria,” he pointed to a girl with cherry red hair and pale complexion. “I know how much you hate it, but we're moving your route to go over the Palace. The bot guards we have might have been compromised. Plus, we have substantially less guards due to the attack.” He then pointed to a man in the far back of the auditorium with bright lime green hair and said, “Obar; we're moving you to the Great Triumph district on the Isle of Fear. You know that area better than anyone else, so I'm making you administer of the district as a whole. Take three other admins with you.

Alex,” he said as he pointed towards a boy with blonde hair. “You're on patrol with Maria and Sinoi. I don't want to see any of you together; you should all be in different sections of the route at different times, okay?” Alex, Maria, and Sinoi nodded.

Alright, now that the hard stuff is out of the way, we have a new member of the Administration we'd like to welcome,” he pointed to a man with a cowl, his eyes just barely visible. “Viktor, please come down here, and be welcomed into our fold.” He came down, and felt the need to hide his eyes from everyone. He smiled and waved when he reached the podium.

Someone in a business suit and sunglasses walked up to David. “Sir, we found something on the body of Mecho,” he said as he handed David a slip of paper. “It was directed towards you.” David took the paper and read it over. What he read made him all the more uncomfortable.




Hello David, I am sure you remember me. And if you don't, who I am is unimportant. I have addressed this letter to you so that your peons will give it to you, and in turn you will read it in secret. I have no doubts as to what we will do next, and it will involve you and your pantheon of imbeciles. My demands remain the same; destroy the corruption in your pantheon. Attached to the inside of Mecho's skull is the list of all moderators who are corrupted and therefore need to be eliminated. You have sixteen (16) in-game days before the next attack. Mecho's death was not an accident. And it will not be for Era's death either.



With love,

Beta 16-06-25


David sighed and stood up. Java looked at him, puzzled as to the upset demeanor he was presenting. He walked over to Zeus and said, “I need to make an announcement, new information has come into play.” He grabbed the mic and trembled. It was his first time standing in front of a crowd that would really enjoy killing him with what he was about to suggest.

“Oi, I need everyone to settle down for a minute please,” he began. “Don't make me have to scream and yell again, please.” Not wanting that, everyone began to take their seats and quieting down. “Okay, here we go,” he said, his voice quivering. “I have just received a letter from the attackers leader that was
planted on Mecho a short time after someone stabbed her to death. It details what will happen if we don't do something I'd rather not. Which is killing moderators and admins.”

“Well, why does this involve
us?” the long black haired girl asked. David shook his head. “I just told you now; some of you are obviously on this list that is attached to the inside of Mecho's skull. I'm going to make a proposal.”

And what would that be, runt?” Athena asked. David looked back to her. With pure anger in his eyes he said, “We create an army. Composed of mods, admins, users...everyone who isn't a Tortured Soul! Because I know who sent the letter and, therefore, the group of idiots large enough to mount this assault. They state in the letter that they will kill again. Era is their next target.”

David, you know as well as I do that there are more TS's in the game then there are neutral or good karma players,” an old looking man behind the podium said. Nicholas, the creator of the game, always wanted to look sage like. “That's why we need to get everyone,” David said.

We don't need another Watch Riot, David,” Athena said. David looked down in defeat and said, “I know we don't, but if we don't solve this problem then this entire game will die. Without a Goddess of Winds, the hot winds of the south will not pull up and give us climates that are good for agriculture. And if they kill Era...” David trailed off.

So kill the mods,” she retaliated. David shook his head, seeing a chance for this to work. “Killing 72 different mods would put us in a serious problem with law enforcement.” David sighed. “I don't like it much either, Athena, but war is the only viable option that will not end in the total collapse of everything all of us have worked for.” Athena gazed upwards and said, “How do you know the number is 72?”

David looked over to Nicholas as he said, “This isn't the first time I've received a death list. Certainly won't be the last if we don't stop this. The number, 72, was the number of mods the person wanted killed last time, when they started the Watch Riot.”

Well, I guess we'll start recruiting for the army then,” Maria said. She stood up and began to walk towards the exit at the back of the auditorium. David spun around to face her direction and shouted, “Wait!” Maria looked back. “We keep the murder under wraps, alright everyone? The last time there was rumor of a deity dying a lot of innocent players died. Let's not forget the Chrisol Wars now.” Maria nodded and walked out; the other moderators and administrators began to do the same.

David spun around again to face the panel of people he considers his friends: Nicholas, Mocha, Java, Athena, Zeus, Mona, and Suka were all in different states of shock, defeat, or depression. David clapped his hands together and said, “Alright boys, and girls, let's get to work on a counter-attack.” Java gave a confident smirk and nodded.


Chapter 1: No Gods, No Masters




Are you sure it’s her?” Nicholas asked as he looked over the photo again. The photo showed a girl with jet black hair that was incredibly kept in a state of disrepair all the way down to her feet; a pale white dress, pale complexion, and piercing amber eyes staring directly at the camera. David nodded and said, “We cross-referenced the date in the name, June 16th 2025, with a database of beta testers who joined in on that date. We got a match with three results, her and two guys that later became regular users. I know I know her, but I just don’t remember how. I remember that face.”
David sat down at the table where Nicholas, Suka, Java, and Mocha were seated. A shot glass slid across the table. “Drink, my friend,” Suka said; the bottle of whiskey not yet leaving her hand. David pushed the glass away. “Not now. I need a clear head for all of this,” he said. “You, of all the people I drink with, know my limits.” Suka smiled brightly. “Y’know, Suka,” David began. “If I wasn’t so very in love with this beautiful lady--” he leaned his head onto Java’s shoulder “—I think I would’ve fallen for you long ago!”

Glad to see you have back-up plans, honey,” Java said as she leaned her head on his. He smiled and said, “I’ll only leave ya if ya turn out to be crazy like my last girl.” Suka ran her finger around the rim of her shot glass. “You best careful not to fall great height, friend,” Suka said. “There’s no guarantee I’ll be catching you.”

Can we stop with the mushy junk, sis?” Mocha asked. David and Java sat upright. “Do you have any plans or anything, David?” Nicholas asked. “You said we needed to get to plan a counter-attack.” David nodded and said, “I have a few ideas. But, all but one require that army we rallied to create.”

What's the one that doesn't?” Mocha asked. David sighed in exasperation. “Remember that big competition we've been hyping up for the past two months?” he asked rhetorically. “Well, I propose we kill the Tortured Souls that enter it, thin their ranks and get the attention of the higher-ups in the group.” Nicholas and Mocha nodded in understanding. Java shook her head and said, “You know for a fact I won't kill.”

You won't having to if you get set up with normal person,” Suka said. Java shook her head still and said, “You guys know I'm a pacifist. It's why I switched to the Tempest Mauler class; so I didn't have to hurt people.” David slouched slightly and grabbed the shot glass. “It's alright, you don't have to enter the competition if you don't want to, Java,” David said. So, we're all in agreement that we thin the herd to get the attention of the shepherds?” Everyone nodded.

Good, because I need a drink!” He said as he put the shot glass to his lips. “C'mon guys, let us getting shitfaced and then head to bed!” Suka said as she pulled out three more shot glasses from seemingly nowhere and poured Mocha, Java, and Nicholas shots of whiskey.





Zeus walked towards Lilith's chamber. The door was cracked open slightly, which worried him considering he had set the gods to have a nightly curfew. All doors were to be closed and locked. He reached the door and politely knocked on it. “Come in,” a timid voice said.

He walked in and was immediately assaulted with the smell of perfumes. Lilith was standing over a pink dresser that did not suit the rooms darker red tones, looking as though she were dressing for a night on the town, fancy dresses in an entire rainbow of colors were lying about the room. She was tall, standing at just under six feet, but her body screamed “model.” The Goddess of Beauty had to keep her figure meticulously perfect. She was wearing nothing but a bra and a very small pair of pink panties. He couldn't help but be attracted to her.

He shook it off and said, “Ms. Lilith, I must ask why you have your door not only unlocked, but open as well!” Noticing his uncomfortable look, she pulled on a pair of khaki pants and said, “Sorry, I just got back from the bath house. I guess I forgot to close and lock my door. I'll get to it right away, Mr. Zeus.” The last comment sent a chill down Zeus' spine; he realized he was not welcome currently in the room and left. He looked over to the front desk of the Palace; Athena had her head down and was quietly snoozing the night away.

Lilith sighed and sat down on the bed. She pulled off the pants and began slipping on a dark blue dress that was lying on the bed. She grabbed a small handmade purse of the same color, slipped the key to her door in it, and sat up. She went over to her dresser, opened the top drawer, dug around behind her panties and grabbed three condoms of three different sizes, which she shoved into the purse. “I'm not going to miss this date,” she said under her breath as she quietly slipped out of her door and over to the room across from hers. The door was labeled “Mala, God of Thievery.”

  • the sexy sack man and Idgo like this



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